Saturday, December 5, 2009
It's the most frustrating thing in the world. Almost painful.
I have this idea for a story, possibly a future novel. I just haven't identified it yet.
I'd be walking in the halls of my school, and I'd see something that I feel like no one ever sees, yet it occurs every day, and I'd get a wisp of the idea. A tiny glimpse.
But then it's gone.
I almost feel lost without this idea, like I don't know what to do now, without this...thing there to help me.
Help me with what?
Cope, possibly. Cope with the transition from a school that didn't give a shit for ten years; to one that piles ten to twelve hours of rigorous homework on you over the weekends, and expects you to deal.
Cope with the transition from a school with so many people who accepted you for who you are, because you grew up with them, and they knew you; to a school that, when you give a sliver of your true self to, they shun you, consider you as another one of those kids who doesn't know what to do with themselves in the future, one of those kids who isn't driven enough and will probably drop out of college, if not high school. One of those stupid little kids that only get in their way of success.
That is not who I am. That is not what I want to be thought of as. But when so many people misinterpret your raw self, the one you want to be known for as, the shine of the class, the one that rolls with the punches, the one that is generally always happy, and there for you, and reliable, and everything wonderful of the world all in one person, they think you are just trying to be popular, and automatically associate you with either the stupidity of the world, or as a poser, or as fake.
I am not fake. I may not always be generally happy, but I try to be so, to change myself, to change others.
I don't know how to get my point across to those people who think that. And that is hard. Suppressing myself for eight hours, it's suffocating. And that suffocation is drowning my creativity. Drowning my precious idea.
And I can't cope well with it.
I feel like I have no ambition, but I can feel it there, lying dormant. I have to force myself to work hard, to understand my lessons, to look forward to life after high school. After college. After I get through this part of my life.
But without ambition, looking forward, working towards those beautiful ideas, it's painful. I feel empty. Hollow.
I feel lost without me. Without my ambition. Without my ideas. Without my life.
It took me forever to put this all together. It's December, and I started losing my life around the third week of September. Four months of this life, my life, gone. Dissipated. I'll never get them back. And I wasn't even aware of it.
I have another (at least) three-and-two-third's years left of this life, this lack of it.
I don't know if I feel any better after becoming aware of it.
Don't get me wrong, school is great. I enjoy learning. It's essential to the continuance of humanity.
But without ambition, without my ideas, without me, learning is difficult. Feeling like you're drowning from the lack of your life makes learning almost feel unnecessary. Which is dangerous.
This is what I'm thinking now, as I stare at the blank page of my CTA Documentary narration script, due next week.
Having no ambition, no ideas, having no life, makes it difficult to breathe life into an otherwise lifeless subject. How can I make my words dance? I recall a time where I used to be able to, quite easily. They flew off the paper and made patterns with each breath they took, and elegantly settled into the minds of those who heard them, spreading ideas that initially started with my own.
I miss my ideas. I miss my life.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
You are everything."
I've found a website here on blogspot, by total chance, that has changed my life.
This blog claims that it was written for you, whoever you are. It contains...deep sayings? Life lessons? There's not a single word to describe it, other than beautiful. I read through the 2007 archive in the past two days, and I have found myself on the verge of tears more than two dozen times after reading certain posts. The posts, at many times, are incredibly close to myself. To oneself. It's like the creator of this blog is writing about you, which the creator is.
The website is www. pleasefindthis. blogspot. com, and I hope it changes your outlook on life for the better, as it did for me. As it continues to do so for me.
I just wanted to blog about this. My life as of today is the same as it was last time I blogged. School has been taking up my life, as it will for the next four, eight years and on.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
"Brush your teeth. Take your vitamins. I'm watching you.",
Thursday, October 22, 2009
(As invisible as you all are, I know you're there! >:P)
It's been over three months since I last spoke you y'all, and I apologize. Had a hectic summer, as well as a chaotic beginning of the school year. I mean, starting out as a freshman in Advanced Placement everything is pretty insane, am I right?
So, onward with the review of the past three months!
(Because I like to think you guys actually care.)
Summer mostly was all about the mathematics course I had to take, to review Algebra I that I learned in eighth, so I was prepared for Geometry in ninth. Nothing remarkable occurred during that, other than I DISLIKED MY TEACHER MUCHO.
(Because hate is baaaad. >:P)
Anyway, the best think I thought happened to me over the summer was getting run over by a deer on the Fourth of July.
Basically, a deer had been hiding in the back yard of some rich guy's huge house, and when the crowds returning from the Evanston beach began hoarding passed the deer, it freaked, and happened to burst out of the bushes concealing it and crashed into me, bumping a few others including my best friend's sister and brother.
So that was fun. I was popular for three days or so.
Another thing that happened over the summer was my introduction to the Wiccan religion.
Very, very big thing.
I was previously interested in it for a couple months, being originally introduced to it by one of my hairdressers, who openly portrayed the pentagram on her arm, and openly supported the religion. So I look it up on the internet, and whapamshalampamthankyouma'am! I'm interested, and that interest eventually forms into my converting to the Wiccan religion.
So, now I'm a Wiccan. Not a witch, yet, I follow the "year and a day" ritual, but I will be.
Then school started, and all I can say about that is HOLYSHITDROWNINGINHOMEWORKHELPMEAHHH
So that's your little bit of info on the International Baccalaureate program in high school. Do google that program if you're interested, it's provided in many high schools around the country. It gives you recognition by international colleges (that means all over the woooorld! Whooaa~!)
Though, say bye-bye to your social life! You won't be seeing that for the whole year. Haaa.
Anyway, that pretty much caught you guys up.
Lately, I've been looking into my Wiccan studies and attempting to accomplish my goal of DOING ALL MY HOMEWORK. My GAWD, that's hard.
And, also, I've taken an interest in accents, specifically Irish, British, and Scottish ones, though I'm interested in all of them.
If any of you would like to contribute your knowledge about anything mentioned in this blog, or any blogs I've written previously, please leave some comments! I don't bite.
Actually, I think that's physically impossible, being on the other side of a computer screen.
*quote from one of Chris's videos, can't find it right now but he said it! Credit to him. Apparently blogspot doesn't let you put other website addresses up, though. Poo.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Did you guys know I'm a photographer?
Not very professional, because I'm underage and no one would take me seriously because of that. Plus, I can't say that I'm good, but I've got a good eye.
But I'm considering making this blog into a photography blog. As well as normal blog.
Hmm. I'll post some of my stuff in this entry, and see how it goes.
Anyway the top photo is what I'm feeling right now - Exhausted!
Being Thursday evening, I've got one more day of school to endure before we've got practice graduation, the cruise, the Last Lunch, and the actual graduation. I then have three days of relaxation and partying, and then off to my high school's summer program. UGHHH.
Why are teens given so much stress? I mean, why can't we put it off for a little later on? I discovered what stress was in fifth grade, and since then it's been ruling my life. School, school, school. As important as I know it is, can we not have so much of it every day? And then the high standards you get from parents, teachers, even schoolmates. Jeez, chill.
Adults forget that we have more living to do.
Sorry, tetris. But bejeweled got more funnn. :D
This week wasn't very interesting.
Last Saturday was fun, though. Saw Aidan, Sonia, and Crystal. Aidan and I got kind of farther than before, and it was...interesting.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Don't get me wrong, Leonard NeMoy is a fantastic Spock, as well as probably the only one who can really be the true Spock, but...
I love Sylar.
I mean Spock.
I mean Zachary Quinto.
I haven't posted in a while. To those of you who read my blog religiously, I apologize. Though, anyone who may read the summary of my teenage years so intently I find may be a little* creepy.
So, hey, homiezz! My two (three?) weeks of silence have not been silenced in vain! I've been bogged down with the final remnants of eighth grade homework. You know, normally, with summer approaching, homework should lessen consistently.
By the way, I HATE QUADRATICS.
...And Ms. Maldonado, too.
Omfg. She's my Science teacher that is a total airhead. Here- I wrote about her in a homework assignment about conflict in school. Feel free to skip it, but it's funny how much I sort of diss her.
For th past nine and a half years at [Schoolname], I've had more than twenty teachers tutoring me through elementary school and preparing me for high school. Among these teachers, I have found an abundant amount of them to be not very likeable. I have had many conflicts with teachers; though, being a quiet, intelligient, caucasian girl, I didn't want to mess up my record at this school, so I wouldn't act on my contradictions. But there is one teacher in particular that I find causes me much difficulty to keep calm and content, and she is my eighth grade Science teacher, Ms. Maldonado. (And I would greatly appreciate it if this essay was not shown to any of my other teachers besides M(r)s. Marino, thank you.)
Since the beginning of eighth grade, I knew I was going to have trouble with her. She chose to switch with M(r)s. H for a year, to try out having an eighth grade class. They chose the year I was going into eighth grade, which was somewhat fine with me. I thought that it would be a fast year, seeing as I was going into high school the next school year. I also had never had Ms. Maldonado for a full year, therefore I didn't really know her as well as my year-round teachers. I would soon get to know her, though.
Three months into the school year, she already started complaining about her job. "Oh, eighth graders are so noisy, I'm so tired." In my opinion, if you'd rather complain about your profession than actually produce satisfactory results, you shouldn't be working in that career choice. Basically, if you don't enjoy it, leave it. Do something you'll enjoy, not something you'll end up being unproductive.
Around the time our former principal, Dr. [Insert name here], passed away (may she rest in eternal peace), Ms. Maldonado dropped our English lessons she was required to do. We learned much later in the year that she was told to teach English by Dr. Hersh herself, and let it go because Dr. [Insert name here] wasn't around to support it. The ironic thing is, Ms. Maldonado doesn't even know how to spell. She's always asking our class if she spelled something on the board right, or there are students pointing out that she missed an 'n' or 's'. There are so many kids out there that desperately need help with the structures of sentences and understanding words in context. Some of these kids attend Armstrong. Some of these kids are in the eighth grade class of 2009! How could Ms. Maldonado drop a lesson so crucial?
The thing about her that irks me the most is when she yells at us for being talkative, and then sits with a select few students and socializes endlessly with them. These students are normally the most popular ones in the class, as well as very social and friendly. Typical popular students, minus the evil, merciless side that are always characterized as stereotypical popular kids. One specific time was when she spent at least half of the class talking to some parent volunteer, supposedly conversing about "something important." They ended up talking for most of our class time, laughing, while we begrudgingly finished the work in the Science book she assigned us so we wouldn't bother her.
I have never expressed my extreme irritation and distaste of her teaching methods specifically to her, but my conflict with her teaching is shared with the majority of my class, I know. Despite her voiced unhappiness with the eighth grade, apparently she's teaching next year, also. She is one of the only reasons why I am so happy about leaving [Schoolname]; I won't have to deal with her (crappy) teaching skills. Maybe next year I'll actually find a teacher whom not only supplies the books and worksheets for us to work with, but may also try to mentor us as well as they can, too.
It's fun ranting about teachers in homework assignments. :D
Anyway, I had some fun these past weekends. Lately, I've been spending Fridays and sometime Saturdays with my best friend, some of her school friends, and my boyfriend. We've finally gotten (somewhat) past the awkwardness in the relationship, and now we're (semi) comfortable with each other. I'm waiting for the downfall in the relationship. I'm going to be pretty anxious for a while now. Sigh.
Okaii, I'm pretty much done.
Oh, by the way, I went from an A-B student to an A-C student. Fornication**! I need to bring up my grades in the next week and a half, or I'll have three C's in my final grades. Shittake mushrooms***.
I hai, by the way, you remember the guy I mentioned in "I'd Hit That; With a Rock", and I spazzed out when he said he was bi?
Yeah. He kind of smexxed his boyfriend. IN THE BUTT. O_O!!! (*nosebleed*)
Sex, sex, sex...
What a wonderful word. Too bad I can be impregnated. Fornication**.
I bet I remind you of your SEX TOY!,
(*- A lot. Very, very much. Stalker.)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
She was in a bathroom stall a couple days ago, and she takes like, ten minutes. Five of those minutes are spent with a constant amount of flushing.
So, she comes out of the bathroom, looking freaked out, and says in a valley girlish way, "Omg, that toilet has issues," and walks away. It cracked me up.
Anyway, it's been four days since I've posted! Whoaaa!
Wednesday and Thursday were nothing special.
Friday, though, was...interesting.
Well, school was school. Half of the class was out assisting "Math Field Day" for the fourth and fifth grades, so it wasn't a very important school day.
After school, though, I went to Millennium Park with a huge mob of my best friend's friends. (Woo!)
So, the beginning of the trip was fun. We messed around at the Bean, got soaked under the famous faces, and found an area filled with pretty flowers.
Around seven-thirty, things went bad.
Vivien, an insanely dramatic friend of my bestie, pissed off Casey, a chick that's pretty similar to Vivien in the drama area. Basically, Vivien (wanting to be the center of attention,) said she lost Michael's (another friend) sweater in the water, and Michael freaked out, saying his glasses' case was in there. Then, five minutes after Michael's flipping out, Vivien pulls out the sweater from behind her (she was sitting on it, basically).
Casey got angry because, frankly, Vivien was being a bitch. There was no point to that whole event besides her own enjoyment and to get attention. Casey and Vivien went off on each other, and then Casey walked off. My best friend called Vivien and Casey the "same person" in front of Viv, and Viv got even angrier and walked off.
The rest of us were left alone for a few minutes. It was comfortable.
And then we had to get going, so we informed Casey and Viv. Casey joined our group again, still disturbed by Viv, but otherwise fine.
We got Vivien going for a while, but the she sat down after another mini fight, and wouldn't get back up. My best friend consoled Casey, and I went to Viv to try to get her up. I was getting aggravated now, because Viv was being a big baby, while Casey got over it.
Now, to go off topic for a minute. Apparently, while I was over with Viv, mentally stabbing her in the face while she sat and cried, Casey and my best friend had an encounter with some random woman.
So, they were sitting and talking, and this short brown haired woman, wearing beige clothing, came up to them and said, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck both of you. At the same time. On camera. I'mma call yo' daddeh!"
So Casey and my best friend come running to us, cracking up, and recite the story to us. It gets Viv in somewhat of a lighter mood, and we get going a few minutes later.
We continue our walk back to the car, and on the way there, Viv is like, speedwalking. Then she turns around and gives us a dirty look. (Paraphrasing),"Well, I thought we had to get you guys home. Walk faster!" and most of us are all,"wtf? She's the one who kept us up fifteen minutes. 0_o"
So, theeeen, we see the crazy woman again. We're motivated by her presence to walk faster, and she calls from behind us,"Any of you do tobacco?"
We replied with a short no, and she says, "Any of you gonna start?"
We walk faster.
"Any of you joinin' the Navy?"
Michael, (whom has somewhat long curly hair), raises his hand and says, "I might!"
The crazy lady yells, "Oh, so the girl of the group!"
We're laughing like crazy by the time we get away from her.
So, we drop everyone off, and I am invited to sleep over, which I do. I have to be out by nine thirty the next day, 'cause my bestie is going to rehearsal, and so the next day, Saturday, I get picked up by Lee because suddenly mum has something for me to do. (Surprise!)
I mean, she probably could have told me that we had something scheduled the next day. But nooooo.
See, that's one of my pet peeves. When someone withholds information of something preeeetty important, that would effect my schedule, and then tells you the next day, when it is starting in like, twenty minutes.
I guess it's just mum, but sometimes she pisses me off a great deal.
Lulz, thunder just cracked outside my window, and it made me jump. I didn't know it was still raining.
Anyway, when I got home, it was past ten, so we couldn't go. I was fine with that, because I didn't even really wanted to go, but the thought of coming home in an angered rush, and then not even going to this thing at all gets me irritated.
I went walking with Lee after I got home, and we walked almost two and a half miles. My legs hurt like a mo'fo'.
I went over to Lee's house after walking, giving mum some time to put suff together for the Board, which has got her in a bunch lately. Issues with idiots. I wouldn't even bother with their stupidity, but I understand why she's going after this.
I watched a movie on FX. The name of the movie was something like,"Accused of Precinct," errr something. I know there was "Precinct" in it. Anyway, it was a good movie.
Then we went home around three or four, and I jumped on the computer to blog.
Mum felt a little nosy, so she wanted to read my blog. Pfft. I said no, but I really couldn't care less. I just didn't want her reading it while I was typing. It's annoying with people hanging over your shoulder, "Oh, you made a typo there." "Who's that?" "When did that happen?!"
So, that's pretty much it. Sunday is tomorrow, and I might see a movie. Proooobably not, though. Not much interesting out.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck both of you. At the same time. On camera. I'mma call yo' daddeh!,
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I hate them.
Something about them being the day after the beginning of the week, and the day before the hump of the week. Also, they're so dull.
School was school. We're learning about solving linear equations, and the three ways; graphing, substitution, and elimination. We'll be going into quadratics soon, blah, blah, blah.
I swear, if math progresses steadily like this for the remainder of the year, I'm going to shoot my teacher in the face.
Metaphorically. I would wish no [serious] harm to befall my math teacher. He's pretty cool.
My homeroom teacher is better, though.
[MR. K FOH-EVAAAAAAAH!!!!123143$1!@#41!!!12#!@]
One of my best friends is apparently in an arranged marriage set for this summer.
Yeah, I know. What the fuuuuudge?!
She's apparently marrying a guy she find moderately tolerable, and is friends with him. She's not supposed to know who he is, though. I don't know how she found out.
Anyway, she's fifteen. No one should be marrying someone they don't love, and furthermore shouldn't be marrying anyone at the age of fifteen. For Christ's sake, she's not even old enough to have a driver's license! It's ridiculous. This is America!
Rant, rant, rant. Ranting is more fun when you're typing it.
In other, more recent news, Apparently I'm going to Millennium Park with my best friend, a large amount of her friends, and my boyfriend, on Friday. Well, I'm glad I have something to look forward to.
That wasn't very interesting. Moving on.
Ehhh, one of my guy friends is bi. I squealed quite loudly when he broke the news to me. His boyfriend isn't very attractive, unfortunately. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
I'm pretty much fumbling for things to say, now. I think I'm going to check out for today.
You dad is a kinky Jewish sex machine,
Sunday, April 19, 2009
That's what I've spent my rainy Sunday on; finishing up a book that took me forever to get committed with. I found the beginning to be horribly dull, and it felt like it was just going to drag on...But it was worth sticking with it. I'm glad I read it before freshman year, because I would have been so bored through class while we clambered through it. Now I'll enjoy watching how uninterested other students are in it while I ace the quarter. Teehee.
Well, now I'm going to spend the remainder of the evening dominating the world on Facebook's World Domination application and listen to music. School tomorrow! Joy...
"Summer, and he watched his children's heart break. Autumn again, and Boo's children needed him." -Harper Lee, 'Mockingbird'
Saturday, April 18, 2009
If you want to know more about me, check my "About Me" Section. Much more informative in tharrr.
Anyway, so. Todaiiii, I saw Crank: High Voltage with my godfather, Lee. He was kind of unaware of how extremely inappropriate this movie would be, so when we saw it, I think he almost died of shock. Course language, violence, and boobies were quite abundant. Lee hated it, but I enjoyed how random the main character, Chev, was.
My favorite line? "Chicken and Brocoli." Srsly, this script must have been written while the guy was on crack.
Other than that, I pretty much sat on my butt and watched Youtube videos, the majority being Shane Dawson's. I just found this guy a couple days ago, and I instantly became a huge fan. One day, I'm going to gouge out his eyes with a spoon and run away with them. Muhaha.
So, that's about it. If I manage to have the attention span of a cat, I might write up an entry for tomorrow, but Sunday's are my quiet days, where my life kind of fails for a day before another week of school.
Catch ya later~,